


Monocarpic Love

by orphan_account



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Established Relationship, Give Oikawa a break, Heavy Angst, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru Angst, Iwaizumi is so dumb, M/M, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-13
Updated: 2020-06-13
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:54:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24696340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: mon·o·car·pic/ˌmänōˈkärpik/adjectiveBOTANY(of a plant) flowering only once and then dying.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	Monocarpic Love

It’s been a year, since I last saw you. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder how you’re doing. Not a day goes by that I’m reminded how I can’t ask. It hurts, years of friendship and trust, all gone in an instant. An instant of regret, that I’ll never get to take back.

If you had been alone that day would you have made it home alive? If I hadn’t insisted on walking with you around campus would you still be here? Is it my fault? Did you die hating me? I hate myself, I hate myself for taking your life, I hate myself for making you cry, but mostly- I hate myself for wasting your time. Wasting your time with me- the time that was so limited, if only we had known.

I wish we hadn’t realized our feelings for each other, because inevitably, that’s what killed you isn’t it? We just couldn't stay friends. You were too perfect, I was too naive. I’m sorry, I broke your heart, but I guess it’s even now isn’t it? I guess you won, you always won. It wasn’t that I let you win, you were just that amazing. That’s why I loved you, I still love you. I’m sorry.

People have told me to move on but it’s kind of hard. I really love you, we had known each other for so long. A year and I still wear your jackets, a year and I still haven’t dated anyone new, a year and I still cry thinking about how it’s my fault. I’m sorry.

I tug on the strings of your hoodie as I walk, the faint red dye stain still sitting there perfectly preserved. What was that from? It was when I was into baking in our second year. I had insisted you helped me make a cake I had seen online, little did we know how hard it would be. We ended up getting covered head to toe in the red batter after you turned the mixer up to full speed. We threw out the batter right after and ended up watching a movie instead. I remember not watching the movie much, trailing my fingers through your hair as you fell asleep.

I bury myself further in the hoodie as I start to cry. I miss you. I should’ve been happy for you instead of being jealous. You told me before anyone else and I stormed out like an idiot. You were so happy, so proud, but I ruined that. Why couldn't I just be happy for you?

It was a Sunday if I remember correctly, and I do, I could never forget. You texted me saying you were going to come over. It wasn’t unusual for you to invite yourself over or anything, I just was expecting us to hang out, no news. You walked inside holding an envelope and you looked so happy. I miss your happy expression. You handed me the letter and I didn’t get past the first sentence before lashing out. You had been accepted to university abroad. Your smile, it was so bright, I ruined it. I didn’t mean it, I was scared, and I know that's a shitty excuse. I broke up with you right then and there and kicked you out of my house. I won’t lie and say I was trying not to hold you back because I wasn’t doing anything noble. I didn’t want to be alone, but now I am, forever.

You left the letter in my house that day, I still have it. You never invited yourself over again. Practice wasn’t awkward, I stopped going. We had already lost our last official match so it didn’t matter anyways, at least not to me. We didn’t talk in school. Makki started crying once because we weren’t all going to be friends during the time we had left. Mattsun talked to me later that day and told me I was being an asshole. I lashed out at him, I told him he would only speak up when his boyfriend broke down, because he doesn’t care about the rest of us. It hurt him, I could tell by how he ignored me after and how upset he looked. I just kept messing up.

I walk outside, shutting the door behind me. We used to sit on this porch and have fun. I remember once in our last year of junior high it was raining so we sat under here and tried to paint each other. We exchanged those pictures. I remember mine was awful but I tried, yours on the other hand, it may not have been perfect to anyone else but everything you do is perfect to me. It’s sitting on my shelf now, face down, because I can’t stand to look at it.

I walk down the street. This is the same path we always walk when we go to get ice cream. You would always complain until I got you two scoops, followed by complaining about how it was too much and giving me the rest. I stopped ordering ice cream for myself after the first few times, thankfully, we both loved mint chocolate chip. We would go on walks through the park after we ate our ice cream.

I walk past the park and into the small florist. You used to drag me inside so I would get you flowers. You liked yellow roses, you looked so happy when I would give them to you, even if you had just picked them out yourself. Sometimes I would get you a single rose tied up with a ribbon and a baby’s breath to accompany it, and others I would get you entire bouquets. Now I was getting the latter.

I left the shop and walked down the sidewalk until I reached it, the intersection I last saw you at. You weren’t hit by a car, it wasn’t that fast and painless. We had been ignoring each other and I asked to go on a walk around campus. I got angry at something you said to fill the silence and when we were at the school pool, I tried to push you in. I didn’t think you’d fall but you had been losing a lot of sleep recently and couldn't catch yourself. Not being able to properly prepare for the water almost made you drown. You came out of the water coughing a ton, you insisted you were fine, you promised. You lied.

I walk down the narrower side walk through the sketchiest part of town, still holding the flowers, as I think back on the day I lost you. I insisted on walking you home, I hoped to make up for it on the way. You kept coughing and saying your chest hurt. You eventually lost the ability to talk and started freaking out, trying to explain how badly it hurt through hand gestures. I called for emergency responders and you sat down on a bench, clutching your chest. 

You reached out for my arm with a look of pain and fear in your eyes, you desperately called out to me one last time, “Iwa-Chan,” you called for me. I could hardly understand what you were saying, but I did understand. By the time I was at your side you had already stopped breathing entirely. 

I held you close while you tried to breathe, desperate for air you couldn’t get. I tried, I really did try, to save you. I just couldn’t. Your gaze held mine as you calmed down and understood you were about to die. You looked scared sure, but your eyes, they held regret. You shouldn’t have been regretting anything, it was my fault. You tried to smile at me one last time, leaning in for a kiss, a kiss we never got because right before our lips made contact you went limp. Your eyes closed and you died, right there in my arms, while I cried.

The official cause of death was dry drowning. You were dead before anyone arrived to try and save you. I remember desperately sobbing, saying you weren’t dead, lying. I haven’t gotten in a pool since that day, or even near one. Bodies of water entirely have been avoided.  
I walk into the cemetery, passing all the graves, I know where yours is, I come whenever I can. I sit down in front of it and place the flowers down. I lay down in the grass in front of the stone engraved with your perfect name.

“Mattsun and Makki are engaged,” I say aloud, informing the only man I ever loved what had happened, “their relationship has progressed fast. Mattsun actually ended up getting down on one knee at a light show,” I smile at the memory, having been there along with a few other friends.

You won, you always win. I love you, it will never be past tense. I may move on, I may not, but I don’t care. I’m the reason you died and I’m always going to have that on my shoulders. I miss you. I love you, forever and always. Goodbye, I will never forget you, Toru, my love.


End file.
